If You Hate Being Kissed, Here's Why
Kissing is a huge part of romantic relationships that we rarely stop to think about. It is so deeply embedded in mainstream movies, books, pictures, magazines, and social media feeds that we don't stop to question whether people actually like to kiss or not. We simply assume that they do. After all, this is what you do when you are sexually attracted to a person, right? Well, not exactly.
Not everybody likes to be kissed. In fact, some people downright hate it. Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, told Bustle that intimate kissing is not everyone's cup of tea. "For some people, they just find it 'gross' or weird. For others, it just doesn't have the same 'pair bonding' or nurturing effect that it has for most people."
If you, too, hate being kissed, we can't really blame you. A study published in 2014 in the Microbiome Journal states that during a mere ten seconds of intimate kissing, 80 million bacteria are exchanged between two partners — which is a valid argument for why you and your partner should brush your teeth before locking lips! Other people may hate kissing because they are worried about bad breath or simply don't like the idea of someone else's saliva in their mouth. Some may even hate the idea of someone else's face so close to their own and see kissing as intruding on their space. Previous unpleasant experiences with kissing or unresolved trauma may also lead a person to hate being kissed.
How you can tell your partner that you don't like kissing
If you don't like to be kissed, it's crucial to explain this to your partner. Otherwise, they might worry it's their fault. Or they might start getting paranoid about your feelings towards them, complicating how to navigate the relationship when your partner has trust issues. According to clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, being open with your partner about your thoughts and feelings is paramount. "Honesty in a romantic relationship is about being authentic and genuine with your partner. It requires saying what you feel and think without hiding, suppressing, or manipulating your words," says she (via Verywell Mind).
So, be open about your emotions and reassure your partner that your aversion to kissing has nothing to do with them. You can explain how and why you feel that way without putting them on the spot. You can even tell them that there is, in fact, such a thing as fear of kissing — philemaphobia (from the Greek words "phile," which means kiss, and "phobia," which means fear). Although philemaphobia literally describes one's fear of kissing, the underlying causes may also trigger an aversion to kissing. For instance, fear of bacteria, worrying about how one's mouth smells, and past traumas may lead you to hate being kissed but not fearing the act itself per se.
Alternative ways to show affection if you hate kissing
Hating kissing should not be one of those relationship issues that can't be fixed. So, how do you salvage your relationship if intimate tongue-kissing is not on your agenda? Well, there are several alternative ways to show affection and bond intimately with your partner. As Good Vibrations staff sexologist and author Carol Queen, PhD, told Bustle, "Get into the eroticism and intimacy of this without the pressure of getting into each others' mouths. Cheek-to-cheek movement, focusing on how it feels to breathe against each other's faces, also soft nibbling if they're cool with it, can be wonderful kissing substitutes."
But what if you love to kiss but are dating someone not so fond of the act? In this case, you should keep in mind that they may enjoy kissing other parts of the body. As couples therapist Jacob Brown tells the outlet, "They might like kissing someone on the cheek or forehead, but not on the mouth. It's helpful to look at the different types of kisses to see if there are some types of kisses that they feel comfortable with."
So, explore other parts of the body that are equally erotic for you and your partner. The neck and throat areas are very sensitive, and kissing these erogenous zones can have the same effect as kissing on the mouth. However, the areas "don't have the face-to-face overwhelm that some non-kissers find to be too much," says Queen. Most importantly, keep open communication with your partner.